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Spasms & Spamocidal Mania
Below is a letter I wrote to the following organizations: S.H.U. (Spam-Haters Unanimous) N.A.A.P.W.H.S. (National Association for the Advancement of People Who Hate Spam) P.W.H.P.W.D.H.S. (People Who Hate People Who Don't Hate Spam) P.F.W.S.H.I.A.L.C. (People for Whom Spam-Hating is a Lifestyle Choice) S.A.P.W.R.R.R.H.S. (Society for the Advancement of People Who Really Really Really Hate Spam) P.W.H.S.S.M.I.M.L.W.S.C.O.T.E. (People Who Hate Spam So Much It Makes Little Wisps of Steam Come Out of Their Ears) And, of course: Spam Haters In The Business of Internet Resource Directory Services. DEAR FELLOW SPAM HATERS, I'm writing to suggest that we combine forces in order to present a common front in our righteous war on unsolicited commercial email: Spam! I suggest we disband the myriad sites and organizations now opposing unsolicited commercial email in order to form a single, unified organization: The Spammish Inquisition! And I further suggest we elect me, Linda Cox, as our leader. Our Grand Inquisatrix! WHAT ARE MY QUALIFICATIONS? You think YOU hate spam? You don't even know what hate is! I hate spam so much that I... well, just a LOT! That's how much! If I hated spam any more than I already do, I think my head would burst into flames and spin like a top! Can you say that? Don't think so. I don't mean to say that I don't hate other things too, like pedophiles and nazis and that drunk guy who backed over my cat when I was seven. But spam... hooboy! SQUISH 'EM LIKE BUGS! I believe we should have a constitutional amendment allowing cruel and unusual punishment in the case of spammers. Maybe that tummy thing like the Japanese do when they get depressed. As with drugs, mere possession of bulk emailing software should result in the immediate confiscation of the computer it was on, as well as any nice clothes, jewelry, or lawn statuary that might have been purchased with spam profits. Just thinking about sending spam should be illegal, like joking about bombs in an airport. If I get to be Grand Inquisatrix, I'll have my own force of men-in-black dudes to sniff out spamsters and be really mean to them and call them names until they promise to be good little netizens again. It's for their own good. IN CLOSING... Having looked at the websites of some of the anti-spam crusaders, I know that I am not alone in my revulsion, disgust and utter skin-crawling contempt for spam. Like them, I have turned a blind-eye to more mundane problems like hunger, illiteracy, disease, country music and poverty so as to focus on the true menace ravaging our cyber-society. If you wish to support my crusade, you may do so by sending me $99, and as a free gift I'll send you a CD with the email addresses of 40 million netizens eagerly awaiting news of your latest product or service. Linda Cox, G.I.W. (Grand Inquisatrix Wannabe) P.S. Oh yeah... stale croutons. Hate 'em. About The Author Linda Cox (J.A.M.G.) was born in a speeding stagecoach amid the screams of fellow passengers as insane, wild-eyed horses dragged them all crashing toward the brink of destruction. That stagecoach was the planet Earth, those passengers were the human race, and Linda Cox is Just Another Marketing Guru. (The horses were just regular horses.) http://www.LindaCox.com/
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RELATED ARTICLES
Where Did The Word Spam Come From? We've all become familiar with the term spam. It's become so commonplace that even people who never use computers are familiar with the term spam. Take Back Control of Your Inbox: Eliminate Annoying and Potentially Harmful E-mails Are you tired of spam stealing your time, your money, your bandwidth and your hard disc space?The time you devote each day to sort and delete spam from your inbox could be put to much better use. In the European Union alone, the working hours employees are spending on sorting and deleting spam is costing the companies and estimated 10 billion euros every year! By manually sorting out spam after it has reached your inbox you are loosing time and money, as well as bandwidth and space. Spasms & Spamocidal Mania Below is a letter I wrote to the following organizations:S.H. Block Spam with An Easy Behavioral Change E-mails now have a connection back to their servers. I willleave the technical aspects out of this article. 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A War on SPAM: Attacking The Evil As most small, medium and large businesses in this country have seen the SPAM Emails have hurt our productivity and caused excessive costs.Here are a few very interesting web links on this issue and the FTC report on SPAM to Congress. Eight Quick Tips For Stopping SPAM If you are buried in SPAM then you're not alone. It's been suggested that asmuch as 50% to 75% of the e-mail traffic on any given day is SPAM. Corporate Email Policies Lower Unnecessary Legal and Security Risks What comes to your mind when you think about your email? Email makes possible almost instant communication with your co-workers without leaving your desk, a quick note to a family member who lives far away, but also has a very annoying downside such as junk mail. Since the introduction of the Internet, email has been one of its primary uses. Stuffing the Spammers! I'm really, truly fed up with spam. Every day when the spam arrives and Norton Security moves it into the Norton Anti-spam folder of my Outlook email client, I wonder how anyone can be so incredibly stupid as to waste their time sending me such garbage. Is There A National Do Not Spam List? You may have already received a do not spam list email, seen a web site or even heard a radio advertisement that promises to reduce spam email just by submitting your email address.Since the federal "Do Not Call List" became law in 2003, it seems logical that a do not spam list exists also. How Spammers Fool Bayesian Filters - And How to Stop Them Effectively stopping spam over the long-term requires much more than blocking individual IP addresses and creating rules based on keywords that spammers typically use. The increasing sophistication of spam tools coupled with the increasing number of spammers in the wild has created a hyper-evolution in the variety and volume of spam. Three Faces of SPAM Like everybody who will ever read this, I get spam in my e-mail. Mine seems to fall into one of three categories. I Must Be The Luckiest Person Alive! Spam I must be the luckiest person alive! My inbox is just crammed with good news, great advice, and millions in accounts just needing the ok from me. Right now, I've two million euros just waiting to be claimed. Protecting Yourself With A Porn Filter The harmful affects of pornography use and addiction are well documented by science. As with most things in life, prevention is the most effective way to avoid ever having a problem with pornography. Email Spam and Phishing It seems like the volume of email spam has doubled in the last month. Increasingly, we receive daily emails for better mortgage rates, pharmaceutical discounts, and offers to enlarge body parts we don't even have. Demand for Spam? It exists Do you like spam? No, I'm not kidding. Everybody knows what spam is, almost everybody seems to have learned by heart simple advice like "do not click ?" "do not respond?" , "do not buy?" but--On March 23, 2005 Mirapoint and the Radicati Group, a consulting and market research firm, released preliminary results of their end-user survey on email hygiene. What Exactly is Spam? Spam, as defined in the context of computers, the Internet and electronic messaging, is a term used to designate unsolicited bulk electronic messaging and communication. In particular, spam is unsolicited bulk mailings that are commercially oriented. Internet Tip of the Week: Cease and Desist While we all admit that unsolicited commercial email is a real pain, I sometimes wonder if the anti-spam zealots are going too far. Last week I was in Costa Rica, and the only practical way to communicate home was by email. Stop Spam! New Spam Blockers News last week that Internet service provider Verizon settled its lawsuit against Detroit-based spam king Al Ralsky was of little comfort. Ralsky agreed to pay a fine and stop spamming Verizon customers, but he still has plenty of other targets.
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